頂多一陣

細個腳骨力唔好。行山果陣，舅父成日都話：「倦？倦就行快兩步啦。快 D 到咪有得抖。」
唔知係咪聽得多，而家都係咁同自己講：「倦？爽手 D 做埋 D 野，就有得抖。」

「頂多一陣，頂埋個 X project 就有得抖架啦……」
「捱多一陣，捱埋個 Y project 就可以放心放假 ……」
「衝埋呢段，搞撚埋 Z project 就可以有 work-life balance……」

響度做左就來五年。同樣o既野，我重覆同自己講左四年有多……
「頂撚住…… 爭 X 同 Y 就 OK…… 頂撚多 Z 個禮拜就有好日子過……」
X, Y 同 Z，隨時間而轉變。
不變o既，就係呢句句子。可以同自己講足四年。
生活，一 D 都冇撚改變過。

同你捱同你死同你刀仔鋸大脾，唔係問題。畢竟收人二分四。
但係在下都係個血肉之軀，在下實在係會死…… 死撚左就唔可以幫陛下安鳩你個天下，咁可唔可以俾在下抖一抖？

Death in Service

做到就死，好撚想放假。At least 可以抖下訓番個靚覺。但係無奈地聽日又要開始 on call……
如果 on call 果陣死撚左，而死因又判定係因為疲勞過度，咁勞保有冇得陪呢？

忽然間諗起，當年簽 contract 果陣，有個 HR representative 響度講解 D contract terms。
仲好記得當年佢講到 Death in Service 果陣笑笑口咁話：「好， Death in Service。拿，做 IT 好危險架。會死架。」
屌，原來佢講真……

放假

睇來在下真係辛苦命……
一放假，而家先兩日，就已經開始悶……

有 D 想開波研究下個 Apache Velocity 點玩……

頂，諗諗下不如轉行去撈 Freelance Programmer 搵單大野做下好過……

Computers

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso

Picasso 果個年代，Computers 應該係講緊班計數o既人。但係即使係而家o既電腦，佢呢句野都未嘗唔o岩。古人真係有一手……

On Call.....

好撚煩呀…… 辰時卯時來個 call……
想抖下都唔撚得……

而家都算好 D ，多 D 人輪。都係兩個月 On Call 一個禮拜……
之前六個禮拜 On 四個果陣真係想死……

二等兵…… 幾時先可以脫離 First on-call o既生涯……

一年戰爭終結之時

完了。TKO 這個大工程，總算完了。
因為自己兩次的大意，落得一個如此缺憾的結局。但是，總算完成了。

從一完成到現在都沒有半點興奮的感覺…… 是仗打輸了？
打贏打輸，這一刻又會有誰在意。難道有人真的覺得自己贏了嗎？

太倦了…… 現在只係有解脫的感覺……
仗已打完，輸贏也好，那是將軍們的心事。作為一個名不經傳的二等兵，我關心的就是總之打完了。

一年惡夢，但願可以讓在下醒了吧……

厭戰……

很倦…… 但是仗還是要打……

以為先下手為強：有機會時不下殺手，就等於自己招來敵人的報復。
可恨這工作尤如在戰場中：只有死人不懂報復。所以日光之下若果在下唔先開殺戒，日落之時總會被人暗算。

大家各為其主，別怪在下。
人不為己天誅地滅，也別怪在下。
要怪，就怪閣下自己技不如人。

今天的仗是在下打贏了，可是戰爭結束了嗎？
今天的仗在下打贏了，明天還有新的一場。新的戰場，少不了更難對付的你。
明天仗或許會是你打贏了，可是戰爭結束了嗎？
明天的仗你打贏了，後天還有新的一場。新的戰場，少不了更難對付的在下。

你是這樣想嗎？
你還要反抗嗎？

煩…… 好煩……

好煩呀…… 可唔可以唔撚駛理你呀？
問問問，乜撚都唔撚識。一腳牛屎咁撚樣咪撚同人講你做 IT，屌你老母影撚衰我。
其實當在下求下你：不如你快撚 D 死撚左佢啦。天下未必從此太平，但係起碼天下從此少撚樣野煩。

好撚煩呀…… 又可唔可以唔撚理我自己呢？
工作己經煩撚到就撚來死，仲要有咁撚多憨鳩野諗。
諗諗諗，諗乜撚野？諗完又點？會夢想成真咩？屌你會夢想成真就唔撚駛諗咁撚耐啦。
屌你妄想。妄想就死撚埋一二邊妄想埋佢啦，唔撚好阻撚住！

好撚煩呀！！！！好撚煩呀！！！！

為乜？

兩個唔係好識o既人，各為其主。到最後係咪非你死或我亡不可？
如果我可以一死以謝天下，而天下又從此太平安定，咁當然我非死不可。
但係作為一個微不足道o既小角色，我死左大概無乜人會發現。亦當然無可能狂妄到以為自己o既死可以改變世界。

我死左，於你無好處。而你死左亦唔關我事。
為乜要日日勾心鬥角？係咪有人o既地方就一定要係咁？

點解要日日鬥個你死我活？
唔係講好左大家要 Join Up 架咩？唔係講好左大家要合作架咩？
咁做咩事要日日夜夜驚住會有人響我背後插刀呢？
同樣點解你又要日日驚住我會向你背後插刀呢？
可以放低把刀當然好，但係無奈地我地都響戰場中心。
放低把刀然後做乜？談判？
我地都只係卑微o既小卒。有咩可以傾？連為乜要打都冇人知，有咩好傾？

只為你好驚你聽日一轉背，我就會放箭射你。所以今日你一定要置我於死地。
但係你又知唔知，我根本唔識射箭？
而我又好驚我今晚訓著o既時候，你會插把刀響我心口。所以我訓之前一定要殺左你。
但係原來你手上根本無武器？果把刀係假o既用來拋我。

日日開拖，有冇人知道到底為乜？

亂

如果可以返轉頭…… 幾好？
有 D 錯，真係彌補唔到。就算死十次都補救唔到。

============================

Easier To Run --- Linkin Park
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb.
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me,
A secret I've kept locked away, no one can ever see.
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away,
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played.

''If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would,
I would take all my shame to the grave.''

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb.
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past,
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have.
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back,
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past.

''If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave, I would
If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would,
I would take all my shame to the grave.''

Just washing it aside,
All of the helplessness inside,
Pretending I don't feel misplaced,
Is so much simpler than change.

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb.
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone.

It's easier to run!
''If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made''
It's easier to go!
''If I could change, I would take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would,
I would take all my shame to the grave.''

犯錯……

"We all make mistakes: some are small, some are large. But his mistake, born of innocence, fueled by pride, was the greatest and most terrible of them all."

唉…… 點解會咁柒…… 實在死得太難睇……
真係過唔到自己果關……

懦弱是罪…… 「唔得閒理」都係……

如果當年挺身而出片底左個咁撚廢o既 SAN DB，今日就唔會咁撚大鑊。

但係在下縱然有罪，點解往往個罪魁禍首都可以置身事外？
留底o既蘇州屎就要在下善後？

不如在下同你做善終好過啦……